Formula or Breast Feed? The pressure is on.

When my oldest daughter was born, I knew before hand that I would have to formula feed.  I found a breast lump at around 7 months that ended up being a benign cyst that would need to be removed.  Surgery was scheduled for a week after her delivery. I would have to pump and discard until all the blood was out of the milk, and with stitches the doctor highly advised against doing that.  By God's healing hand, the lump went away and I did not have to have the surgery after all.  As my milk depleted, the lump shrank.  I would have had plenty to nurse her with.  I was heartbroken that I didn't get to nurse, but thankful I was blessed at the same time.

Carson (yes, this can be a girl's name for those wondering) was my easy pregnancy and easy feeding baby.  We started and finished with the same formula, she rarely spit up, and even when she was sick she was always all smiles.

Jesse was 5 weeks early and the doctors and nurses were dead set that I was going to breast feed.  It was supposed to be the very best for him, especially being premature.  My body disagreed.  Possibly because I was being told again what I should/could do.  I had so many nurses, doctors and lactation's working with me and fondling me in ways I wish I could forget.  Unfortunately moments like those are burned into your memory forever.  I had a bottle attached to one side of me with a tube coming out that went around my neck and attached to my breast that was supposed to help him latch on.  Supposedly the milk in the tube with help him latch and get my milk to flow.  Didn't work.  I pumped non stop, even after I went home.  I would pump and pump, for up to an hour, and only have about an ounce of formula.  I tried for two months.  It was exhausting.  I even used one of those ridiculous plastic nipple covers over mine to help him latch.  I thought it was going to remove my nipple from my body.  White flag please.

Then, we had to switch his formula several times.  He had GERD, or in English, acid reflux.  We started with the preemie formula, then switched to regular Enfamil.  Then to Neutragamin and a couple others the doctors wanted us to try.  He was cranky, gassy, and projectile vomiting with all of them.  My sister came up with what ended up being our solution.  The simplest of solutions.  Here she was, 10 years younger than me and no kids of her own, and she found the solution.  I'm forever in her debt.  She called me one day and started reading out the descriptions of formulas.  She told me she really thought this was what we needed.  Similac Soy.  Wonderful, blessed, half the price of the other mess, SOY.  We still ended up having to add cereal to his bottles rather early on (at our pediatrician's advise) to help weight it down so the projectile would stop.  However, it worked.

Then comes little Chloe.  I really wanted to breast feed and had hoped this time would be it.  No pressure from doctor's or nurses either way.  Minutes after she was born, she latched right on.  Finally!  The joy did not last long though.  After being rushed to emergency surgery, I did not get to see her again for a little over 12 hours.  By this time, she was fed on demand by bottle and did not want to change.  I tried and tried what I was able to in the hospital, but due to my situation and recovery, I did not get to spend as much time with her that first week as I did my other two.  I was at least able to get her that wonderful "liquid gold" colostrum while in the hospital, and the first day or two at home.  I pumped when I could but nothing came out.  I tried to nurse her at every feeding before giving in to the bottle.  Take hot showers trying to get it to flow.
Nada.

I went for a follow up with my OB at 2 weeks and she told me to stop worrying about it.  She told me my body had been through more than most women would see at one time and that stressing over nursing was not worth it.  She made me feel so much better discussing everything with me.  I wasn't a bad mom for giving up; I needed to give up.  My body needed to heal and the stress and pressure of conforming to what some doctors and nurses thought I should do was not what was best for me.  The best thing for me was to heal and bond with my newborn without becoming frustrated. 

What I have learned from three babies and feeding:

1. Every baby is different, even your own.
2. Start simple.
3. Don't let anyone make you feel inadequate in your feeding decision.  Do what is best for you and your baby.  Refer to #1.
4. Trust your own instincts.
5. Make your decision and do not second guess yourself. 

If you want to breast feed, give it a try.  Work with a lactation specialist while you are at the hospital if you have any questions.  Realize that every mom that nurses may do different things than you do and that's okay.  Do not compare yourself to other mom's.  Not just for nursing, don't compare yourself period.  You will put yourself in the nut house.  My biggest advise is be prepared with a back up plan of formula.  I pray it works for you, but also pray you don't become discouraged if it doesn't.

If you have no desire to breast feed, DON'T.  DO NOT let anyone make you feel like you have to try it.  DO NOT let anyone make you feel like you are not doing right by your child or that you are a bad mom.  MAKE IT KNOWN as soon as you check in to deliver that you DO NOT want to breast feed.  Nip it in the bud.  Seriously.  It's your body, your decision.  While breast feeding can be very rewarding, it can be very frustrating.  I have friends with multiple children that never had formula a day in their life.  Nursing came natural to them.  For me it did not and I am okay with that. 

Embrace your decision.  Whether you are a first time mom or a 5th time mom, you ultimately know what is best.  Trust those gut instincts.