Okay, let me first start this out by saying that I am still pregnant. But our first ultrasound did not go as planned.
The night before I couldn't sleep good at all. From 3:30 a.m. on I looked at the clock every 15 minutes. Our appointment was at 8:30 and we were told to be there 15 minutes early, but they didn't even open until 8:30. There were 4 other cars in the parking lot by the time they opened the doors and I was the first one standing at the door. My husband said, "we're never on time, much less early. What's gotten in to you?" I was just anxious.
I knew, without a doubt, that it was twins. But I also had a nagging feeling something was wrong. That's not something I said out loud to anyone though because family would have questioned me to death. I couldn't explain it if I wanted to. A mom just knows.
We spent the first half hour of the appointment going over the insurance information, finding out that our insurance deductible is way too high (and that will be changed at renewal next year) and that we have to make payments of almost $300 for the first 3 months. Seriously? Like most families, we live paycheck to paycheck. Trying to figure out how to pay this is going to get interesting, but we will make it work someway, somehow. Next, I spent a half hour doing all the labs: pee in a cup and then let them take enough blood to quench a Cullen's appetite for two days. Next, move to another room and wait for the ultrasound machine to be ready.
10 a.m. we are finally in the ultrasound room. I casually joke with my midwife about how every one's talking about it being twins. She finds the baby and moves the magic wand to get a better look and wait-is that? Could it be? I was sitting straight up on the table and she's looking at me with big eyes and says "Do you see?" I am beaming and asking, "Is it? Is it really twins??" She tells me to hang tight a minute and let her get the doctor. I start hysterically laughing saying "Holy S-" and my husband is shushing me and laughing too. I couldn't help it.
In comes the doctor smiling as well. Let's take another look.
Baby number 1 is right on target: 8 weeks and 1 day, perfect size, perfectly strong heart rate of 173.
Baby number 2 is small. Measuring in at 6 weeks, 3 days and no heart beat. It had simply stopped growing and was no longer alive.
I.was.crushed.
From overjoyed five minutes earlier to feeling like someone had just reached inside my chest and pulled my heart straight out and was squeezing it. How? Why? Sometimes this just happens, they said. Everything looks great with baby number 1 though so I shouldn't worry.
What happens now? The doctor said because it is so early in the pregnancy, my body should just absorb the other baby. They are in two separate sacs so one should not affect the other. Let's do a follow up in two weeks. Yes, I am at a higher rate for a miscarriage now, but everything looks fine. Once we reach the 12 week mark then all worry should subside.
So they say.
I called my parents, then my co-workers. I was barely audible when I spoke. Everyone asked me if I was okay, and I gave a blunt and teary NO. My midwife said, "I'm going to tell you I'm sorry, and congratulations. Everything is going to be okay." I really want to believe that.
I spent the greater part of the day sobbing my eyes out. There was no history of miscarriage in my family and I had never had a miscarriage. I hadn't done anything wrong. It just happens sometimes. No real explanation. That didn't make me feel any better. I want answers.
My husband and I talked about it throughout the day. We both agreed it was better to find out now instead of later. We also both agreed that this is God's will, and while we don't understand it, we have to accept that He has a plan for us and everything is going to be okay.
On May 16th I will go back for an ultrasound. We are praying that everything with Baby number 1 is still right on target. In the meantime I will begin some research that I hope to share with you in the coming weeks on this.
I would love your feedback. Have you ever been through a similar situation or known anyone who has?
Amy
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